Chapter One

I will start Chapter 1 with my life story. That will be the simplest way for you to get to know this author and where I am coming from as I write this Book. Anyone can write a Book. All it takes is time and patience. Both of which are in short supply for me. So what I am going to do is ask the Lord Jesus Christ to guide me. There are things in one's life that are best left unsaid, and yet, if that experience can help someone else, then let it be said! So here goes!
This is going to be very difficult to write, as my past is extremely painful in the beginning. However, through it all, as I look back on it now, I realize that God had His Hand on me since birth. When we feel that protection from a very young age, it does make us feel very special, but we 'wonder why'.

I always wanted to be a good girl. I never wanted to get into any trouble, but from the time I could feel the presence of a human being next to me, I felt unwanted and unloved.

I was born in Kelowna, B.C. to Florence Mary Morgan and Gordon Boyd Fisher. Whether they were really married or not, I don't know. Father told me yes, they were married in a courthouse before a Judge. Relatives tell me, "no they weren't". Mom was apparently still married to Jack Lehman. Whatever, it doesn't matter to me. I do know one thing, and that is my Father loved Florence. I feel that initially I was conceived in love, and yet their marital problems were too great to keep them together. I was told that Mom drank and smoked a lot. That she loved parties, etc. and Dad would say that he would come home and find Mom with another man. He said that he put her over his lap and spanked her many times. Even took her clothes so she couldn't leave. But leave she did, and I can still remember it like it was yesterday.
I remember the note on the kitchen table. I was just a child, around the age of four. We were living on Richter Street in Kelowna, B.C. at the time. The note read something like this. "I am leaving this time for sure. Don't bother coming after me, because I'm not coming back"' Dad cried and cried. He was a broken man. He drank to soothe his broken heart. I became the recipient of many beatings that followed.

Never did I feel 'unwanted' by Gordon, at this stage of life, just 'in the way'. He worked long, hard hours. Came home tired and upset because I had usually done something to 'upset the apple cart'. I remember walking around the house with the mop on fire, sticking my finger in the sugar bowl for food, etc. etc. The neighbors noticed the bruises on my body and reported Dad to the police.

They came to the back door one day and I watched as they stood outside on the porch talking for some time. I was really scared and nervous. He came back in and picked me up in his arms and said, "I will never let them take you from me". I did feel he cared at that moment, but still felt in the way and bothersome to him. I felt that I was the cause for his trouble. I blamed myself every time he would beat me, thinking I deserved this.

One time he came home with a black kitten for me. I have always loved animals since a wee lass, and to this day, still do. All types, not just kittens. They just happen to be one of the easiest to take care of and the easiest to cuddle. I felt that he really cared that day, but still felt very disconnected from him. I would never get his eyes to hold mine, and tell me that he really loved me and would take care of me. As time past, I continued to feel even more bothersome and a general nuisance. Dad's two older sisters tried to help him. Aunt Ina Goldsmith and Aunt Mary Piddocke took me in for a spell. They each had their own children, so again I felt like I was 'a bother' and a tremendous guilt complex started to develop in me. I never felt that I had the right to 'fit in' or be happy. I was a misfit and didn't belong. I started to withdraw within myself and feel like I was my own best friend.

Well, I vaguely remember going to Court and seeing Mom and Dad. Mom apparently won the custody case and I remember having to say goodbye to my Father. All I can remember is that a train was taking him somewhere, and now I really was lost forever, and could 'fit in anywhere'. I remember crying and crying with such a broken heart, that even as I write this, my heart is moved with the same pain I felt as a child. I waved goodbye to Dad, remembered the extremely sad look on his face. What would happen to me now? I closed up like a clam and didn't want anything to do with my Mom or anyone else for that matter. I guess Aunt Ina took me in for a spell, as I remember grade one and maybe two taken in Vernon, B.C. None of the teachers come to mind, nor even how they looked. What does come to mind was my extreme desire to learn to write 'real nice' and be a good girl.

My Uncle Oliver was a tall, firm gentleman with the nicest smile and generous spirit. His word was law, and we obeyed. He belonged to the fire department and I remember the Christmas's at the Fire Department in Vernon. I felt like an "extra". I was able to 'join in' but truly never felt a part of their family. Donna, the oldest sister tried to show me love. Elizabeth and I were the same age, and I remember she felt jealous over me for some reason. The kids in school seemed to 'take to me' more than her, and it seems that I did have some friends anyway. Holly was quite a bit younger, so I always felt protective of her.
Dad would come to see me from time to time, and would give Ina and Ollie money for my support and clothes. I got a lot of hand-me-downs, but anything was better than nothing, so I was grateful for them. I'm not sure, but I think that Dad was working on the Edmonton Pipeline during this time.

Well, as time passed I remember trying to contact God as a child. I would pray the best way I knew how. I would go to the United Church Sunday school and collect the little gold metals that they gave us. I think that they were for attendance. I would look forward to going, as there I felt a real sense of belonging and goodness. Aunt Ina would have our 'little dresses' ready for us to wear Sunday mornings. They would be hanging over the folding doors between the dining room and kitchen. Nicely ironed and smelling fresh. I felt like a little 'princess' with my new outfit on. Saturday nights, quite often, she would fix us cinnamon toast and hot chocolate. I surely did love that. Brown sugar pressed down and cinnamon shaken on top. Wow, felt like I died and went to Heaven. I can't remember if this happened before going back with Mom, or after coming back to Vernon to stay with Aunt Ina again for the second time. I vaguely remember a car trip up north to Quesnel in which I was deathly carsick. The emotional devastation of leaving a relatively secure and loving home for the unknown alone was enough to make me sick, let alone travelling in the back seat of the car. I remember having to ask them to stop the car several times to 'up chuck'. I remember arriving in Quesnel, B.C. at Twin Flats. It was like a resort area in Quesnel. We had mountain spring springing up from the ground. There was a shed around it and I remember people would come from all over to get that pure drinking water. So here I was back with Mom again, God help me is all I could say!
The following sequence of events might be a bit jumbled or blurry because I suffered a head injury in a diving accident at the age of 10, and did have some amnesia with it. However, I will do my best to recall the details in order.

1.) I remember our black dog. How I loved her. She was so gentle and kind. One time she was in a fight with another dog, and Mom poured boiling water on them to stop the fight. I think that she had to be put to sleep after that. I remember how horrified I was at the sight.
2.) I remember the Social Worker coming and asking me how I liked living with my Mom. I would try to say 'all the right things' so that I wouldn't get a beating afterwards. Mom had emotional problems too. To this day I don't know what they were, all I know is that I became the brunt of her frustration and abuse. I was too terrified to tell the Social Worker to please take me away from my mother. The beatings were almost everyday!
3.) I remember having to stay up late and wash the dishes after one of Mom's parties. I remember her parties with lots of people over. I remember feeling so lost and alone. Completely separated from anyone that cared. My stepfather Ted Rood was too busy all day with his job. He didn't see my needs, or if he did, didn't realize the extent of the pain.
4.) I remember lots of gifts. Pretty dolls, etc. I remember Bobby, my brother being beaten badly for his disobedience. I remember my youngest brother Georgie (as I called him) coming home from the Hospital as a newborn infant and the extra work load on me. I was very young. Nine years of age, I think. I remember Caroline, my youngest sister, and her timid little ways. She always seemed so fragile. I tried to protect her, but was literally terrorized by my mother. I am sorry Mom, to have to tell the truth. If you are up in Heaven now, and see me writing this, then you know that I have to tell it like it was. I can't lie otherwise, there would be no point in writing this book. I have to show you the extent of my pain, so that you can see why God intervened the way that He did.
5.) I remember moving to the nice big house that Ted Rood had built for us. I guess that is why I didn't see him around much over at Twin Flats. It was a beautiful big home in Quesnel, B.C. Canada. I think it was actually one of the biggest in Quesnel at that time. As time went by, he built a doughnut shop beside it and a big Safeway Store. But it was originally surrounded with old cars, that later became a big wrecking yard. I remember Ted welding down stairs in 'his shop'. I remember him welding and watching the sparks fly. I remember sitting in the sand, playing on the swing, picking the blueberries up on the hill, etc. etc. I will say the good first, because the bad is so bad, that no one will be able to believe it.


Where do I start? Quesnel was quite the little community. People were nice and friendly. The things that come to mind may not be in order, but at least they are picked from this brain as things that were important at the time, and hence never forgotten to this day.


a.) Bitter cold winters. So cold that the clothes froze on the clothesline on the balcony and when I brought them in, they stood like pokers. We had a wringer washing machine. Whites done first, then darks in the same load. I surely couldn't handle that today. As it is, I put each load through two washes. Anyway, I remember a big silver wash tub and the rinsing took place there. I worked hard as a child. I remember doing so much ironing that to this day, I try not to buy anything that needs ironing. I dislike it with a passion. The only things that I have to iron, are my seams when I am sewing, etc. I remember doing dishes, dishes, dishes. Thank God for dishwashers today. My hands must have been very chapped. I remember Ted Rood cooking oatmeal porridge for us in the mornings sometimes, and then doing that little tap dance to try and cheer us up. He was the most awesome man that I can remember. I never have any remembrance in my mind as a child of being struck by him, not even once. I can't even remember him raising his voice to us. All I remember is his gentle smile and loving ways. God I pray that you save this man's soul and take him to be with you when he dies. Where would I be today, if it wasn't for his gentleness. Mom always seemed to be so 'stressed'. I don't know why. Maybe it was all us kids, and it seems that each one came from a different father.
I don't remember Virginia living with us. She was my older sister, and her father was James Lehman. I remember visits from her and her skinny little frame and stammering tongue. She was a frail, nervous child. I remember Aunt Vivian, a beautiful redhead who apparently was Mom's sister. Where are you Vivian, are you still alive today, and if so, what is your last name? Is it still Lehman? Is James still alive? They man was incredibly handsome to me as a child. That is all I can remember about him. Quiet, gentle and not out-spoken. At least not around me.
I remember Mom beating Bobby on the floor with her fists. She was sitting on top of him, and he was getting the beating of his life. He later told me that he thought he had a couple of broken ribs. I can still remember the exact spot in the kitchen where he stood, when he told me that. I was horrified. My mom could be so mean. I can remember Caroline getting her head rammed on the sink when she was getting her hair washed. What for I don't know. I remember Georgie being hit so hard that his high chair tipped over and he fell out. I remember Caroline falling out of our pick up truck and being "skinned alive". When she came home from the Hospital, she was wrapped up like a 'mummy'. Poor Caroline, do you remember that experience?
I was so devastated by this experience that I was haunted for many years to come by a recurring nightmare. There was this man laying on the side of the road. He had lost all his skin, and was laying on the sharp rocks with the most terrible look of pain on his face. Everyone drove by and no one would help him. Time and time again I would have that nightmare. It greatly disturbed me that he was all alone and that there was no one to help. Physiologically, I felt that way inside, and coupled with Caroline's near death experience, I was left severely traumatized.
I remember trying to spend more and more time at school. I remember closing myself up and not wanting to get close to anyone. I remember one pretty yellow dress that Mom bought me. It was the most beautiful dress I had ever seen in my life. Yellow was one of my favorite colours, and it was plain, but flared at the bottom, and I felt like a princess in it. That helped to "pick me up" for a time, but I was still detached, and unacceptable to my peers. The teachers never seemed to understand me. I was recoiling inside and ended up a lonely little girl.
There was a little School House about 8 miles from my home, and on one cold winter day, I remember having to walk all the way home. How it all came about I do not know. All I know is that one of the boys chased me and I ran and ran and ran. Just kept running till it was safe enought to walk. I walked all the way home. Mom later told me that it was approximately 8 miles away. I remember passing Moose along the sides of the road. From that moment on I do not remember going back to that School, but in fact, I must have. If anyone reading this has memories of that incident, I would sure like to know what happened.?

My dolls were my favorite toys. I had many dolls, thirteen I think? All sizes and shapes. I remember one big one. Almost the size of a four year old. I would dress her up and play nurse. I always wanted to be a nurse. Grandma Fisher was one, and I wanted to be like her. I haven't talked about her yet, but more on her later.
b.) Okay, well, I am still up in Quesnel. Many things stay in a child's mind as being very important and for some strange reason I remember the moths. Huge, big moths. I mean these fella's were big. I think they were about three inches across. Maybe they still have them up there now? Such pretty colors, and furry coats. I remember the long stairs up to the living area of our beautiful home that Ted Rood had built. We used to have to carry "slop buckets up and down the stairs. This one time I hid behind one of the landings when Bob was carrying the bucket down. Poor fellow, I scared him so badly that he dropped the slop bucket all the way down the stairs. What a mess to clean up! I laughed for a long time, and Bob, if you are reading this, hey, I'm sorry. Did I ever apologize?
c.) Okay, how about some good memories, before I say anymore bad. How about the time Mom sat and knitted up some Indian sweaters. Everyone got one, but to be truthful, I don't remember getting one. Maybe she didn't have time. I remember her cutting long strips of dough to make spagetti. I remember cutting out the doughnut holes and deep frying them and then rolling them in sugar. I remember one Christmas that we kids were so blessed with so many gifts, that I felt like a millionaire's kid. That was the Christmas that Mom and Dad fought about something, and she hit him over the head with the mop handle. His forehead was cut so badly that he needed stitches. I remember that she wouldn't let him come upstairs, and I went down to see him. He was so gentle and kind, and wouldn't tell me what was wrong. What a man. Oh Ted, if you only knew what you meant to me as a child. I know that we never had time to connect emotionally, as I believe that I was only with you two years, but know one thing, I am forever grateful! And, contrary to what you believe, I only want your best. I only want to help you in your old age, as you helped me as a child. To this day, I don't know what triggered that horrendous fight, all I know is that we kids were scared to death.
d.) I remember Aunt Ina and Uncle Ollie, Elizabeth and Holly coming up to see me. I think that it was after the diving accident. I remember Aunt Ina walking into my bedroom, just as I was putting Georgie to sleep. I remember throwing him back down, and telling him to stay there. I would always suffer a punishment if Georgie didn't obey, so I threw him back into bed so that, he nor I would get a beating. I remember Mom hitting me so hard across the face that my eye was black and blue and I couldn't go to School for a few days. Mom told the neighbors (in front of me), "oh she banged her head on the cupboard door, and I would shake my head in agreeance with her, lest I be beaten again when they left. The movie "mommy dearest, doesn't display half the fear that I had for my Mother. I was so terrorized by her, that even after I left, I would have nightmares of her coming to get me (with men) and trying to kill me. Almost twenty years to be exact. Poor Mom, something was terribly wrong for her to be so frustrated and full of hate.
e.) I remember that she bought a piano and I took a few lessons. The young man that taught me the piano lessons became one of Mom's lovers. Dad (Gordon Fisher, my real father) told me years later, that Mom had an insatiable desire for sex. In fact, he said that she might even be classified as a 'nymph". Sorry Mom, forgive me for saying this, it all has great bearing in this book, so I have to tell it.
f.) I remember going up to Quesnel Lake and Mom renting a cabin with a man by the name of Gene Plate. I think that is how you spell it. He was a guitar singer and I think quite reputable at that time. I remember standing by Mom's cabin door trying to figure out what was going on in there. Very naive in those days. Thank God for that. Mom would yell at me, and tell me to get away from the door.
g.) Now, when did the diving accident occur. Okay, I remember Ted Rood had taken us kids to the beach. Virginia, Carolyn, Bobby and I. I don't think Georgie was there, but he might have been. I remember that the raft was held down by an oil drum filled with sand. I remember diving in and hitting my head really hard. I remember coming up out of the water, raising my arm and trying to yell for help, but nothing would come out of my mouth. This happened twice, and then I went 'down for the third time'. They say that if you go down for the 3rd time, you never come back up. My sister Virginia reached down and grabbed me, pulling me to shore. After that, my memory is only in bits and pieces. Pain, pain, and pain is what I recall. Pain to bend my neck to stick it in the sink to wash my hair. Couldn't horse back ride-too much pain in lower back, like a knife sticking in me every time I hit the seat. I guess the pain was so bad that Mom decided to send me to Vernon to live with my Aunt and Uncle and get some Chiropractic treatments. This was the beginning of a new life for me.
We took some pictures the day Aunt Ina and Uncle Ollie came up to visit in Quesnel. I will show them in this book. What the time span was between the visit and when I went to Vernon, I know not of, in fact, I might have gone back with them. I can't remember.
I remember at Uncle Ollie's Texaco Gas Station. I remember seeing "Mr. Gordon Fisher" there. "Hi, Mr. Fisher. I'm Gwen". Something like that. Mom had told me some bad things about him, and I believed them, until I got to know him better. Then it went from Mr. Fisher, to Gordon, to Uncle Gordon, to Dad, and then finally Daddy. Poor Papa! I think he was staying with Ina at that time in the back room. I vaguely remember that. I wanted to get close to him so badly, but was afraid being hurt. Not physically by him, because now he seemed a 'beaten man' to me. His head hung, and he seemed so sad. I just didn't want to really love him again, and then have him leave me like he did on the train. It took a lot patience and deep hurt for him to endure the fear and emotional pain that his daughter was carrying around. How do you help a child adjust and belong, when they always feel like "I am a bother, there is no room for me here", etc. etc. He apparently didn't have a home. He never married again. Poor man, oh how I wanted to get married and have him live with us and enjoy his grandchildren and have a real home for the first time in his adult life. Dad apparently never got along with his own Dad. Two stubborn Scots men with hearts like steel and wills as strong as iron. That quality is one trait that got me through many heart breaking times. I would always pick up my bootstraps and 'try again". I was never one to 'give up'. The only time I feel like I 'can't take any more' is when the physical pain got too great. God has always helped me through the emotional pain and heartaches of time, and occasionally healed the physical too. I guess I shouldn't say occasionally, because I am walking around and some people with the same injury as I had, usually end up in wheel chairs, etc.
Well where were we. Uncle Oliver was a stable, emotionally strong person. The vibes that he emanated gave me strength as a child. He worked hard long hours, and now he is an elderly gentleman in the Pollson Extended Care Unit and I need to take time to visit him more, because soon God will call him home. He is ninety-two this year. I remember one time that he made me sit at the kitchen table until I ate my fat off of the meat. I hated fat, and to this day, still do. I nearly choked to death trying to swallow it. I am sure he will chuckle at this.
That also reminds me of the time that Auntie Ina washed my mouth out with soap for calling Elizabeth a bad name during a hop scotch game. She used Uncle Ollie's shaving brush full of soap. I got sick. But I pretended I was a lot sicker than I really was, and oh was it nice to get the attention. My two or three years that I spent with my Aunt in Vernon were the stabilizing years of my life. Here is where I got to know my Grandmother a little, later more as I lived with her. Here is where I got to know Auntie Mary and Uncle Len, Penny, Joan, Morris, Margaret and Mary-Ellen.
Auntie Mary was a very, very busy lady. Happy and contented with her husband and family. I remember so much happiness and yet never really belonging. I was "Gordon's little girl". I was the outcast. I was the bastard kid. I was seemingly always a nuisance and a bother to be around. But during those years, I was so happy not to be beaten and not to watch anyone being abused. It was such a peaceful time, and it took a long time for me to come out of my shell. I knew now that there was a God. I felt at this very early age, that He loved me. I felt that He was protecting me and watching over me, even though I couldn't see Him, I knew that He was "up there"!
Uncle Len and Auntie Mary lived in Ellison, on a large orchard. Uncle Len was (I think superintendent of the local Orchids) they had beautiful delicious apples. I remember fresh eggs, and lots of healthy food. Homemade butter that I helped to churn (on one occasion). Hair rinsed in big silver tubs with vinegar in to add shine and help get the soap out. I remember Auntie Mary's good baking. My how that woman could cook. Those two older daughters of hers, Penny and Joan were beautiful and sang "like canary's) They always seemed so happy. Uncle Len smiled a lot. He laughed a lot. This was a whole new world. So different from Quesnel. So different to my life with Mom.
Mom must have come to visit me there, as I remember her walking by me outside in the yard. I didn't look at her, but I remember feeling like an empty shell walked by me. Dark, foreboding, and empty. That is all I can remember. Not full of life like Auntie Mary, Uncle Len, and the rest of the family.
Now, I was starting to realize that there was hope for me. If these human beings could be happy then so could I. I made a promise to myself as a child, that I would never be like my mother. A person who helped solidify that commitment to myself was my cousin Ken. One day when we were driving back to Auntie Ina's house, I was in the back seat and I remember saying to Ken " I never want to be like my mother". He said words to me that transformed my life forever. Oh Ken, I hope that you are still alive, and some day will be able to read this. God used you that day to say these words to me. I remember them like it was yesterday. I remember the release that I felt in my spirit. I was on the road to becoming a new girl with a new zeal and zest for life. He said, "Gwen, your life is what you make it. You do not have to be like your Mom." I was 'set free'. I was not trapped in a world of destiny. My destiny is what I make it to be. Wow, it was almost like being 'born again'. Thank you Ken. God Bless you for trying to help your little mixed up cousin.
Ken belonged to Uncle Jack and Auntie Eva. His sisters were Doreen and Beverly. I have since learned that Doreen has passed away with ovarian cancer. I have still not been able to contact Beverly as I write this. I must ask Donna again for the numbers.
Okay, so we are now back in Vernon. Going to school there. Walking up and down 32nd street to and from School. Good exercise, that was for sure.
Then one day, there is a knock at the front door. As I run to open it, there stands my mother! Terrible fear gripped my heart! "Oh God, don't let her take me away from here"! I slammed the door and ran inside. I think I ran out the back door and up the hill, as I remember Donna chasing after me. I was determined never to go back to this woman as long as I had breath in me. I was going to run far away where no one could find me. I felt betrayed by my relatives. Did they call and ask her to pick me up? I felt so full of hate and bitterness for them all. All I wanted to do was disappear and take care of myself. Donna came running up the hill after me. I will NEVER FORGET HER FACE, NOR THE TEARS IN HER EYES. For the first time in my life, I felt genuine love. I felt that she really cared. Oh Donna, as you read this, know that the tears are flowing now as I type this. How important it was then to know that you cared! Cared so much that you cried. Thank you Donna. Thank you for such deep love. That is why when I came home to Kelowna, I wanted to be there for you. I want to help you in any way that I can. I know that you have lost your husband Bill recently, (five months ago, to be exact), and I just want to be there as a friend for you, and someone you can talk to. God Bless you richly. Well, back down the hill we walked. Mother waiting inside the house. Oh God, I wish I was dead. I never wanted to see her again. I never wanted anything to do with her. That heavy blanket of darkness, blackness, despair swept over me as her little Vogswagon rolled on down the highway. I was sitting in the back seat, and her hand came flying across my face, must have been something I said?
For the next few months that I was with her, I wished only for death. To die was the only way out, so I thought. God had other plans. Thank you Heavenly Father. You know when the pain gets too much for us to handle. If we are willing to give it to you, you take it all and bear it on your shoulders. I love you so much.
Now, these next few sentences will show you how God can change a life forever, if we will but ASK! In these next few chapters you will see the hand of God moving in to shape and change the life of a "warped little girl"!



Chapter 2